It’s been a while since i’ve heard your voice,

That warm comforting voice,

always uttering helpful words of wisdom.

You always knew so much more about life than I,

teaching me day by day.

You watched me grow into a man,

always supporting me no matter what.

You were proud of what i was becoming.

Loving me endlessly without question,

Never judging.

While you were watching me mature into the person I am today,

I was watching you struggle

to stay alive.

You said over and over that everything would end up

all right in the end.

You always know just what to say

to make the world seem

like it was on our side.

You were wrong this time, Mom–

the world wasn’t on our side.

It took you away from me,

Leaving me alone. Longing for your love, motherless.

Without someone to tell me I was beautiful,

to wipe my tears away as they rolled down my cheek,

without someone to share my fears, my joys and my triumphs.

I heard your voice again last night.

I’ve missed it everyday since you’ve been gone.

I saw your smile again last night.

I’ve been wishing for it every hour since you’ve been away.

In my dream you said

you’d always be near.

And now that i think of it,

you said the same thing

the day you died.

You always did know just what to say

to make the world seem like it

was on our side.

—–Catherine Starr

What the fuck are you doing!

Okay, so I broke out laughing. Its nice, despite the foul language, to see people just being people.  Now of course there were tons of folks who were upset and actually wrote in and complained.  But isnt this supposed to be New York? Where anything can and probably does happen?  Please, if you have ever been to the big apple trust me “Fuck” is prolly the least foul word you’d hear on a daily basis.

Regardless i thought it was a hoot and I came across this Human Resources post regarding foul language that I thought was funny.  So enjoy!

Dear Employees:

It has been brought to management’s attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers. Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.

We do however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.

Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative “TRY SAYING” phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.

1) TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don’t know what the f___ you’re doing.

2) TRY SAYING: She’s an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She’s a ball-busting b__ch.

3) TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?

4) TRY SAYING: I’m certain that isn’t feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No f______ way.

5) TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You’ve got to be sh__ing me!

6) TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with…
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh__.

7) TRY SAYING: I wasn’t involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It’s not my f______ problem.

8) TRY SAYING: That’s interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the f___?

9) TRY SAYING: I’m not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This sh__ won’t work.

10) TRY SAYING: I’ll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the h___ didn’t you tell me sooner?

11) TRY SAYING: He’s not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF: He’s got his head up his a__.

12) TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat sh__ and die.

13) TRY SAYING: So you weren’t happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a__.

14) TRY SAYING: I’m a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: F___ it, I’m on salary.

15) TRY SAYING: I don’t think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a__.

16) TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This job sucks.

17) TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the h___ died and made you boss?

18) TRY SAYING: He’s somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He’s a pr_ck.

Thank You,
Human Resources

• Get fitted for a New Suit. Must be all black. For Biran and Jen’s wedding. Ive never owned a suit. But as a friend of mine said, “you never know when someone’ll get married–or die.” Fucked up, but I get it.
• So I joined 24 hour fitness in my  current quest to get in better shape.  There’s one opening right near my house, within a couple blocks,  that opens in may. So in the meantime ive been eating better ( no burgerking, fast food, cutting out some soda,  and all around trying to eat in moderation) as well as going out on my bicycle at night and speed racing around the complex a few times when its quiet.  I started out at 215 lbs, and am down to  202 lbs.  Not bad for just biking and eating right.  Once the gym opens up ill start that running thing and weights.  Go me.
• Saving up for a couple trips. Going to boston in May for brians wedding.  Then after id love to hit chicago, San diego and New York for last. ( respectively Ill be seeing Ricky and tracie in chitown, Adam in San Diego and my Family -sydney, melissa, stacy and dad..and an assortment of friends in NY)  Its been years since ive really gone anywhere on vacation and i think its time.
• Shouldnt this be at the top of this list? But Getting a Job!!  Its been so not fun trying to look for work in my field. (massage Therapy for those not in the know).  No ones hiring, or i get stuck with that old adage ” looking for someone with experience, but cant get experience without a job”. So im pushing forward, I applied to MassageEnvy near by and havent heard much. Gotta be aggressive, but thats not easy for me.  But I need to get out of this retail hell im in.

Just a little hint, there’s more and ill add stuff later.  Sincerely, your displaced New Yorker..

What do you do when your home, once so familiar, suddenly shrugs off
the illusion to reveal the high walled prison its become?
Only now does the stark beauty of my world seem so empty and hollow.
I suppose the trick is to lives ones life outside of ones boundaries
to keep it interesting, vibrant, and alive

Fuck if i know what to do when your life becomes a bore to yourself.
boring
habitual
dead.

I find myself mourning my own life
looking at me, this man that ive become , asking who the fuck he is.
he’s not me
I scream, yell, shove and get no response
The man i am and the man i seem are so different.
Others would think me crazy should i act out as i wish.
Ive become tamed
domesticated and all too complacent

i just want to dance
to actually FROLICK
maybe then i can truely look myself in the eye
and like what i see.

slough off the old skin
expose yourself again
see who looks
but do not give in

time seems so short now
the last years of our youth draining away
but the fertile fields of my heart
begin to bear fruit once more
and the skies
never seemed quite so blue

dont let the walls around you
every get quite so high
that my voice is drowned
within your solitude.

heavy limbs from not enough dancing
chilled in decembers subway
I jam my hands into your pockets to keep warm
and find desire
a prick-ling thing

Could we stay like this?
Never to be torn apart
on the F train.

its not your time to go
do not stain your lips red
with goodbyes left unspoken

My beautiful garbage, remember?
Too much sass for one body to contain..
Dont make my Favorite Mistake,
My last.

Pencil me in
No time to talk
distracted behind your smile

I catch your arm
but you’re already gone
and have been for a while.

No time to write
a simple hello
takes too much
but i don’t want to lose
what’s taken so long to see..

It could have been sweet.

There should be a Betty Ford Center where

They Deprogram you by

Putting you in an Electric Chair

Play “Someday my prince will come”

And hit you and go

’Nobody’s Coming’

’Nobody’s Coming’

’Nobody’s Coming’

     Cruel and distant seemed the ocean borne winds as they danced through the shades of his Castro St Apartment.  He looked up, peering through the dark with his ever curious sea green eyes. Eyes that searched the starlit sky as tremors passed through his lips, parting them in a fever of childlike bliss.

     They shone like blazing tears of fire. Tears which now threatened to contaminate the raw beauty of his fevered flesh.  The stars fell, marring the face of heaven in their passing as the raw wings of twilight unfurled themselves along the horizon.

    He lowered his gaze slowly, his body shivering as  a horrible glaze came down over his eyes, fixed as they were upon some horrible and painful scene.  His lips shook with the violence of his thoughts, his troat a prison of half choked words and phrases. Words that hammered, struggling to be free .. to be granted the decency of being spoken.

     A chilling calmness seized his mind, distilled through his body, as he reached out –his fingers grasping, moving to touch something vital. Something or someone who had always given him pause, one who’s life he had once saved–in whose heart he had entrusted it all.  For what?

For this?

     A cruel whimper broke the silence of the loft, as he crawled rapidly, desperately over the floorboards to the window, chips of white paint fell and flew into the shadows with each rage inflected passing of his fingernails.

     His angelic face, with flesh akin to stone, possesed of a beauty that could only be described as michaelangelic broke under the deperation and the fear he felt flood into his soul, he heaved himself against the windowpane, pounding against it with panic, shaking his head in heated denial..

No..

no..

GOD

NO!

     The storm within his mind gave movement to his limbs and cast him about the apartment like a ragdoll. Fists flew through glass and mirrors exploded in view of his rage and desolation.  A rain of poisoned shards cascaded upon him in cruel jest to the pain, the only pain he had ever just felt within.

     When the loneliness and sorrow had grown too great to bear, he thrust his face through his precious bathroom mirror, he let himself go limp-gouges of meat stripping off his face-and fell with the shards over his sink, landing with a bone crushing crack on the cold tile floor.

    The darkness of sleep lulled him and lured him into another day’s rest, yet around him throught him he felt the sting of each mirrored shard pierce his tender flesh.

     And only realized then, as consciousness was finally , mercifully taken away, that they were in truth the shattered remains of his heart, upon which were written the name of his one, true love.

That is one truism I do not dispute

It was a painful beginning

wet..

raw…

and utterly vile.

Beautiful.

     The first vision that captivated me was of her Eyes. Brilliantly crafted gems set within a face that could cause the most stoic of Angels to quiver with emotion.

     I can recall what He felt. He was like jelly, all messed up inside.  He hurt as well, but he didnt understand it.

The pain that is.

     Pain, even if he didnt know it at the time, was what brought the two of them together. Him and this woman. From them came I.

     She understood all too well. Yet even now as I look into her eyes, as I see the sheer lust and abandonment there, I know that she is still captive to the flesh.  I can hear the mournful cry, the despairing tremor of her heart strings. It was black and held much vice.  yet her’s was a heart held by another.  Stretching into the shadowed corners of this city were the tethers which , like hooks, pulled at her heart and leashed her to someone else.

Elsewhere.

Tristin.

     She was as close to a friend as I would ever know. The first I ever knew when I awoke. It was her ministrations that stirred me into a still clarity and comforted me like a womb.

And I cannot find enough inside myself to care.

     I can still smell him, his scent permeates the room.  Fills me with disgust.  All he stood for would have to go, I do not wish to remember the man we put to rest this night. All in good time, I suppose. I have plenty of that.

     I like to look at myself in mirors and other shiny things. To see what handiwork she has made of me.  To admire the vessel she has made welcome to my most dedicated spirit.

Raw..

Wet..

..And so deliciously painful.

     My siren, my mother, my lover and my slave.

     How I would like to bathe her, sweep her up in my essence. To improve upon her as she has with me.  She wouldn’t understand, but she would grow to enjoy the education. To want it. To crave it. Until it becomes too much to bear.

Painful.

     It comes back to that. Always.  Its all i’ve known since I awoke into this world. Pain. Stabs of it running up my spine, biting pain through the tender cords of my neck. White flashes of purest agony with each step I take.

     How grateful I am for her and what she’s given me.

     The fire burns, all that was Him is gone. He’s summoned me, with the last dregs of his soul he desired me. Called me out from the deepest shadows. I thanked him with a quick Death.

     There’s so very much for me to do. Where should I start? At the begiining.  Beginnings are so very painful.

But you learned that already, didn’t you Jeffery?

Welcome to Salvation

The city calls out for me

A thousand eager souls waiting for my touch

To know me

To experience me

To be given what they desire

I will not Deny them

I am their dreams made manifest

They will love me

They will whisper my name through torn lips and bleeding mouths

And touch upon the face of a God.

I am the Razoreater, The animal that devoured Man

I am here

My time is now.